I'm Sorry I'm a Christian

I am a Christian
我是一個基督徒
I’m sorry
對不起
I’m sorry for the way that I come across
對於我所有自認為"基督教"的言行,我感到歉疚
So fair and fake friendly and full on my self
對於我一切自認為公平和虛假的善意,我感到歉疚
so judging your spiritual health by the words that you say and the way that you dress and the things that you do
對於批評你所言,所穿,甚至所行,使你心靈上受到的傷害,我感到歉疚
Or maybe just judging you
或者我只是想透過批評你的時候,使我自己可以自視高人一等,對此我感到歉疚
I’m sorry for the way I live my life
對於我所有自以為是的"基督教"的行為,感到歉疚
So confident of my own beliefs that I would never think to think about thinking about yours
我是何等的自我,自私和自以為是,我從沒有認為有需要去思考有關於你的一切
I’m sorry for the wars
對於戰爭,我感到歉疚
Ironclad crusaders mounting steeds and drawing swords with such spirit but the spirit…
[something about the spirit being out and the sword of the spirit was the word]
…but the word was with God and the word was God and they preached this as they marched on the holy land.
對於十字軍用上帝的名義對耶路撒冷引發的戰爭[大致講述十字軍東征的歷史]
Singing and praying
期間不斷的唱聖詩和祈禱
And killing and slaying
不斷的殺戮
And preaching and healing
不斷的講道和醫治
And raping and stealing
以及不斷的批評和盜竊
It’s ironic that they lined their pockets in the name of God
諷刺地他們竟是以上帝之名來進行欺壓和歛財等行為
Just like the priests who lined their pockets in the name of God
就好像一些神父以上帝之名來歛財一樣
Just like the people you can’t stand because they always raise their hands and spread their faith and hate and judgment in the name of God
就好像你不能忍受一些人常以上帝之名來高舉他們的雙手和傳播他們的信仰,他們的仇恨和他們的審判一樣
I’m sorry that I take the name of God in vain
對於我自以為是地使用上帝的名,我感到歉疚
or rather I’m sorry that I stain the name of God
或者更確切地說,對於我敗壞了上帝的名聲,我感到歉疚
Defending my selfish actions and selfless actions pertaining to the will of God
對於使用上帝的喜好作為藉口來掩飾我一切不論是自私或無私的行為,我感到歉疚
I’m sorry for being intolerant
對於我的偏執和不容忍,我感到歉疚
For trying to talk down to you, for trying to talk over you, for not letting you talk
對於我以高人一等的口氣對你說話的行為,對於我中斷你發言的行為,對於我不讓你發言的行為,我感到歉疚
I’m sorry for not walking the walk
對於我不是仿傚耶穌基督的道,我感到歉疚
For being a hypocritical critical Christian
對於我是一個假冒偽善的基督徒,我感到歉疚
Criticizing your pagan lifestyle while my own lifestyle styles itself like the televangelist’s hair
對於當我將我的生活方式塑造成一個"基督徒"應有的生活方式的時候,就好像電視福音佈道者的頭髮一樣(美國朋友說那些佈道者注意他們的外表或髮型多於他們的言行),繼而去批評你非基督徒的生活方式
All slick and sly and slippery spole to slide, wait until you hear, you see that’s my greatest fear
我最懼怕的是某一天你會聽到和知道甚麼才是真的,並發現我所說的一切,原來都只是虛有其表,靠不住的
That the steps I take won’t match the words I speak
發現我所做的原來並不符合我所說的
so when I speak all you hear of me is a weak hypocritical critical Christian
所以我現在所說的和你所聽到的我只是一個軟弱和假冒偽善的基督徒
Doing one thing and saying another
說的是一套,做的卻是另一套
Loving my friend but hating my brother
愛的的朋友,但是討厭我的家人
it’s a show
這只是一場表現
I’m sorry I get drunk on Saturdays and go to church on Sundays to pray for my friends who get drunk on Saturdays.
對於我會在每個星期六喝得酩酊大醉,之後在每個星期日去教會為與我一樣喝醉的朋友祈禱的事,我感到歉疚
And on that note I’m sorry for making the church about the pews and the cross and the steeple, because the building is not the church; the church is the people
對於我將教會比作教堂的長椅,十字架和教堂的尖塔,我感到歉疚.因為建築物不能夠代表教會,教會是基督徒
I’m sorry that I hate you because you are gay
對於我厭惡你正因為你是同性戀者,我感到歉疚
I’m sorry I condemn you to hell because you’re gay instead of loving I jump to hatred
對於因為你是同性戀者,我用厭惡代替愛,甚至遺責你下地獄,我感到歉疚
Mouth open and tongue preaching, eyes open but not seeing that you are the same as me just a F****** human being
雖然我不斷的說教,眼睛雖然是睜開的,卻沒有看見,原來你和我一樣都只是他媽的人頖
I’m sorry that I only hang out with Christian friends and we only do nice Christian things like potluck dinners and board game nights
對於我只是和我的基督徒朋友有聚會,而我們亦只是做一些只令自己愉快的基督教活動(聚餐和玩團體遊戲)
While in the night a man beats his girlfriend again
但是在同一時間有一個男人再一次痛毆他的女朋友
Another homeless man dies again
同一時間再有另一位露宿耆失去生命
If this is the way my own pride has been but here I am with my same friends again
我知道這些行為並不是基督徒所應有的,但我仍然與同樣的朋友做一些同樣的事情
but see what I always forget is that Jesus did come to hang out with the priests and the lords
但是你知道嗎?我常常忘記了耶穌基督是與祭士和官吏聚會的嗎?
no, He hung out with cripples and beggars and whores.
不,我所忘記的是耶穌基督是與傷患的人,貧窮的人和妓女聚會的
Love
上帝的愛
I’m sorry for history
對於歷史,我感到歉疚
For native tribes wiped out in the name of the church
對於我們以教會的名義去摧毀原居民的一切,我感到歉疚
Lodges burning, Stomachs churning and yearning for justice as mothers
燒毀美洲原著民的居所,使他們生不如死,美國人渴望成為一個法官,好像美洲原著民的母親去判決他們一樣
screaming and bleeding, pleading for their young ones are dragged away to church schools where they were abused
他們呼喊,他們流血,他們哀求為了美洲原著民的孩子被強迫去那些會虐待他們的教會
I’m sorry for the way that I refuse to learn your culture, instead I just came to spread the gospel - and the plague
對於我拒絕學習你的文化,反而我只是來傳福音和傳染病,我感到歉疚
I’m sorry that I stand at the front doors of abortion clinics screaming at fifteen-year-old girls as they enter instead of waiting at the back door to hug them as they leave.
對於我沒有在墮胎診所的後門去擁抱十五歲的女孩,反而在前門在她們進去的時候對着她們叫喊,我感到歉疚
I’m sorry for taking my wars and my faith to your lands when historically your lands is where my faith was born
對於我將戰爭和我的信仰帶到你的土地上,但事實是你的土地正是我的信仰的發源地
And in the face of the storm I realize that if God is Allah and Allah is God then 而事實上我理解到我的耶和華是你的真主阿拉,你的真主阿拉是我的耶和華的時候
why are we shooting instead of sharing
為何我們會以戰爭代替了分享
Why are we launching instead of learning
為何我們會以方便代替了學習
Why are we warring instead of walking together
為何我們會以敵對代替了同行
Why are we taking instead of talking together
為何我們會以奪取代替了溝通
Why are we bombing instead of breaking bread together
為何我們會以破壞代替了互助
You see I think God looks down and He’s sad
我想如果上帝向下注視的時候,祂會感到難過
And from His right hand throne above, Jesus asks “where is the love?”
和坐在上帝右邊的寶座的耶穌基督會問愛在那裡?
and if it takes will I and Justin Timberlake ask the same question for us to start asking the same question that where the f*** are we headed?
如果這是必須去回答的,我將會和賈斯汀(美國歌手)問同樣的問題去讓我們開始去問同樣的問題"我們被帶領到何等他媽的錯誤的地方去?"
So I will take this stage to be my chapel and this mic to be my confessional, and in the presence of God and of you, the blessed, I confess I am a Christian
所以我會將這個講台代替我的教會,這個咪高峰代替我的告解室,與及在上帝和你的面前承認我是一個不符合上帝心意的基督徒
I’m sorry
對不起
-poem by Chris Tse
作者Chris Tse

犯罪學?定係TESOL?

好耐都冇寫日誌,今次就為寫而寫
經過一年時間既考慮,早前終於都決定左揀Teachers of English to Speakers of Other Languages(TESOL)黎讀.

基於會返香港發展既原則下,一直都有兩個選擇犯罪學或者係TESOL.
犯罪學晌香港既前途都應該唔會離開紀律部隊(個人意願係警察).
但係我點解唔揀呢?

因為警察既醜聞.
呢兩年唔知點解好衰唔衰,竟然留意多左時事同政事,留意到原來香港唔係想像中咁好.香港既政治風氣唔講,單講警察既醜聞.
晌警察局既裡面竟然可以出現強姦案,犯案者仲要係警察.你會話呢個係個別事件.唔該唔好同我打官腔. 我係要指責個0的晌該警局當值既警察, 佢地個陣時點解唔阻止? 佢地係唔知,定係扮唔知呀?
仲有點解要一個八十幾歲既阿婆除晒衫搜身,又係個別事件呀!!
咁請問你要有幾多次先算唔個別呢?呢0的咁(禮義廉)既野,一單都嫌多啦,係唔係呀.
講得出係個別事件既人,你真係有資格晌香港做官呀!!
你會問咁我可以入去嘗試改變佢.你真係睇得起小弟.自問我就冇咁既能力喇!預防勝於治療,我去教書,教人獨立思維唔好?
所以我覺得如果我真係做左警察,就有違我黎美國讀書既主因 :

「世人哪、耶和華已指示你何為善。他向你所要的是甚麼呢。只要你行公義、好憐憫、存謙卑的心、與你的神同行。」（彌迦書6章8節）

不過原來好早之前我已經寫過要「踐行公義」，唔一定要做警察！點解我仲會有掙扎呢?呢個亦都係第二個原因.
為左啖氣......
我諗我咁講好多人都會知咩事,係!就係個件事!
但係我又點可以放得低?好簡單,上帝既計劃同個人意願相比,當然係上帝既計劃排首位啦!!
但係我又點知唔讀犯罪學係上帝既計劃?唔知架,我淨係知讀犯罪學就一定係我個人意願,而且我放棄讀犯罪學之後,成個人好似如釋重負,鬆左一口氣咁.做人何苦同自己作對呢?
而家我除左無左啖氣之外,仲要多得有咁既經驗,如果唔係我又點可以去到兩次短宣同到美國讀書呢?

我~是~誰~?

我是嬤嬤的第九個孫。
我是父母的第三個孩子。
我是兩位姊姊的弟弟。
我是聖三一堂幼稚園的簡兆恆。
我是聖公會牧愛小學下午校的簡兆恆。
我是何文田官立中學的簡生。
我是中國基督教播道會窩打老道山福音堂的Kenny。
我是神召會馬理信紀念學校的Kenny。
我是香港小童群益會的Kenny。
我是新墨西哥洲大學的Kan。
我是蔡李佛北勝曾憲權館的阿恆。
.
.
.
踏入人生第25個年頭，在不同的場合裏、不同的人面前出現過，但是我是否能做到面對每一個人也能內外一致呢？
當然不會，因為每個人也知道和認同，當你面對不同的人需要有不同的溝通技巧。
好的解釋是做人圓滑；壞的解釋是虛偽。
經歷人生25年，我學會先讚賞後批評，縱使所讚賞的不是自己所認同的......
我學會道不同不相為謀，話不投機半句多。
我學會沉默是金這些遊戲規則。
但是換來的只是不成熟，不獨立，不懂人情世故，脾氣暴躁等負面評語......
但試問曾給予我負面評語的人認識我以上多少面呢？一面？兩面？還是三面？抑或你只是停留在初認識我的那個階段呢？
不是一句「你確是這樣」就可以抹殺了我在往後的改變......
在2009年，我經歷了最無奈的數件事，令到我恍然大悟。
我明白到沉默換來的只有誤解！
所以我決定了寧鳴死，不默生！
為了公義也好，為了父神也好，為了自己也好......
為了不斷提醒自己這個決定，所以我決定了改英文名來提醒自己和讓別人提醒自己。
從今開始，在人前人後我都會是NISSI！
NISSI是出自聖經中的耶和華尼西，意思是耶和華是我的旌旗。
各位親朋戚友，往後請叫我NISSI(列斯)、阿列或列斯。
我會逐漸更正和不回應稱呼我Kenny、Kan、簡生和阿恆的朋友。
不便之處，請諒！

Sports Can Be A Major or Not

Nowadays, people pay attention to sprots more and more. They will investment in it with a huge resource such as the U.S. , China, and Russia. In those places, Sports can be a major. Their athlete can be a professional player. In Hong Kong, sports never will be a major. Athele just can be a amateur player. Parents, information, and the government also can affect the sports can be a major or not.

Culture is the basic problem to decide a subject can be a major or not. In Hong Kong, almost every parents think sports just can be a insterest. They always think about the major need to bring home the bacon. In their mind, Maketing, Law, and Medicine also can make their children become outstanding and rich. On the other hand, the U.S. parents think every subject has its master even though it is art, music or sports. They will spport their children in every way. Parents are the one kind of trend to settle what the major is.

Nowadays, the effect of information technology education is secong only to parents. In Hong Kong, media always broadcast other countries sports' news. For example, N.B.A, Wimbledon Championships, and other football leagues. Teenagers know foreign atheles more than local. It will make them to think local atheles are not professional. Then they will just want to be a foreign famous athele and they will not join the local training anymore. So, information also can control the trend.

Finally, the government is the last one to rule the major. Choosing the outstanding is Hong Kong government's style even though it is a training program. Nearly all of coaches just want to find out the special one. It will make other normal children have no way to join any training. Then parents will push their children who are normal to study other subject except sports. Therefore, a subject can be a major, it depends on the goverment's system.

In conclusion, Sports can be a major in the U.S., but not in Honk Kong. Because of three things, parents, information and the government. Parents can push their children to study a major what the parents want. Information can influence teenagers' thinking. It can make people look down on local sports or not. The government is a judge to estimate a subject. Unfortunately, in Hong Kong all of them do not support sports. So, sports are totally different between in the U.S. and in Hong Kong.

What Is My Major

So far, I have lived in the U.S. for six months. I know my target is to finish a undergraduate degree. It is clear and definite, but I never think about the major. Even though I will take criminology, I don't have to decide it. I am so confused, because I must go back to HK when I finished the undergraduate degree. That's mean I need to choose a major what can earn money in HK. For example, Marketing, Criminology, Accounting and others. In HK, some majors are not valued. So, I need to make a decision between interest and actuality.The other problem is my family. My source of income is my parent, so at least i need to tell them what major i will choose. That also make me feel perplexed.

Luckily, I have seven months to decide it. I will go back to HK in September, because my the other sister get married. Then I will skip the fall semester. So, i can talk with my parent about my major. It is a good news for me. Then I can focus on TOFLE. I hope I can pass the TOFLE and have a full time undergraduate in the next spring semester. Anyway, I will try my best.

讀書破萬卷 - 男子漢養成班

繼聖經之後，雖然我睇晒成套金庸小說，因為大多數人都睇過，好似無咩好講咁(不過我都會後補既......)。所以一月個陣睇左呢本書，「男子漢養成班」，原名係《The Way of The Wild Heart》，呢一本唔係教人健身，又或者係一般「如何成為一位成熟男士」既陳腔濫調。我睇完之後覺得本書好「到肉」。

本書舉出左一個新既觀點，成為一個男子漢需要經歷六個階段：
兒子：深深體會到自己是神的寶貝兒子；
牛仔：參與冒險，培養自己成為牛仔或遊俠；
戰士：參與爭戰，受訓成為戰士；
情人：發現純美，喚醒心中的情人；
君王：為著他人的緣故發揮力量，準備成為君王；
哲士：這一生的經驗，成為哲士的智慧錦囊。

哲士同君王既階段，我無咩資格講，我太年輕了！
情人既階段，有點抽象，只有一部份係提及與女性交往，大部份係講如何被造物主既偉大吸引，從而讓上帝醫治你心中的情人。呢個階段需要大家既親身感受，唔可以身教或者言傳。

我特別想講下兒子、牛仔同戰士既階段，首先你要成為一個男子漢，就要問自己一個問題：
「你喜歡你父親身為一個男人的樣子嗎？」
你希望像他那樣嗎？更切身既問題係！他能在你的人生旅途上帶領你，給你男性所需的啟迪嗎？用以下量尺，評估你處於哪個位置：
「我希望像他那樣，他可以做我的榜樣。」
「他是個好人，但不是我心目中的模範。」
「他大部份時候缺席。我不想和他扯上關係。」
「他是個惡人。願神拯救我脫離他的遺傳。」

我諗大部份男士都會選擇第二個答案，一來係「佢始終都係我老豆」，二係「我選擇第三、第四個既話，咁我咪好不孝」。但係我唔同，我諗左好耐，我選擇左第一個選擇「我希望像他那樣，他可以做我的榜樣。」除左佢未係一個基督徒之外，我父親─簡耀國，絕對可以成為我既榜樣。

第一，我其實係好鍾意煮野食既，我好享受由開始預備食材，到完成一道食香味俱全既菜式之間既過程。我會覺得好有成功感，尤其是煮俾一大班親朋好友食，佢地仲會讚你廚藝好。而我父親就係一個好廚藝既人，佢可以晌舗頭(蘇記)到幫個大廚出菜，唔係幫手預備食材喎(呢個係執碼既工作)，而係幫手廚埋。我仲好記得有一年食團年飯，有成大約二十個親戚晌蘇記，由我父親一手煮晒所有野，我仲聽到有位伯父讚我父親「手勢好」，煮得兩味。讚已經唔容易架啦！仲要公開讚。晌個陣我諗：「呢一個係我老豆呀！」我感到自豪，心口都挺得高過人呀！所以晌呢一方面我父親絕對係我既學習對象。

第二，我朋友都知我好鍾意武術。我父親就係習過武既，而家好多人都習武或者玩空手道、跆拳道等等。但係有幾多個人上過擂台，打過比賽，仲要得過獎呢？晌三、四十年前，香港係有擂台打既，係無流派分別既比賽，我父親就參加過，仲得過獎。所以唔好同我講你學過咩，學過物，你有冇上過擂台打過先？冇呀，咁姐係講就天下無敵啦！所以我覺得我父親好勇，佢係我偶像。

第三，我父親可以為左佢老婆既家族生意，而放下自己既工作，去舗頭到幫手。你可以話，男人點可以無左自己既事業架，但係我覺得一個男人既事業就係佢既家庭。一個男人事業幾好都好，但係無左家庭，有屁用！好似我大姐夫咁，原來佢應承左我家姐，4、5年之後佢會舉家回流香港。呢一樣野係我始料未及既。講返我父親，因為佢去左舗頭幫手，所以晌經濟層面上係有著數既，因為呢位員工絕對會忠心同賣力，而且支出都會少0的。另外，我父親都係一個孝順既人，因為咁多年我都係同阿嬤一齊住既，我唔係話其他伯父或叔父唔孝順，只係我覺得晌香港有幾多老人家係住晌老人院呢？孝順唔係講就得架，而係要行動架，唔係每個月俾家用呀，而係關心呀！正因為我父親既關係，我決定左就算係我結婚之後，我都會同我父母親一齊住。

第四，我覺得我係愛子，係因為我終於知點解父母會幫我搵補習老師喇。我以前真係好頑皮，成日俾補習老師打。上面都講到我父親係習武既，如果換成係俾我父親打，個後果我真係唔敢想像。我試過一次，俾我父親踢左一腳，因咩事俾佢踢我就唔講喇，單係個一腳，我已經飛出兩至三米遠，好彩有個坐廁截停左我，如果唔係一定可以飛得更加遠。單憑呢一點我絕對有理由認為，佢係因為知道佢脾氣唔係咁好，唔適合教仔，所以先至送我去補習社。否則，小弟早已遍體鱗傷。

總括而言，我父親絕對係我既榜樣！

講返本書，仲有一個問題係每個男士都會問自己既：「我擁有足以承擔的力量嗎？」有誰人會告訴你：「你有足以承擔結婚的力量了」、「你有足以承擔家庭的力量了」、「你有足以承擔教育子女的力量了」，我想應該沒有吧！正因為沒有人這樣告訴我們，所以我們才會沒有自信，不斷從失敗中建立自信。但係仍然沒有人認同你，你甚至會想：「我至少要得到父親的認同！」，呢本書會解答到你呢個問題。

以上都只係兒子既階段，至於牛仔階段，姐係冒險。如果經濟許可的話，我好希望晌我完成大學學位既時候，進行徒步旅行兩至三個月。同一時間我都覺得我晌美國讀書，都會係一種冒險，因為你需要學會獨立，我就好似幾歲既小朋友咁，剛剛學會說話(說英文)，剛剛學會走路(學駕駛汽車)。甚麼都好新鮮，好好奇。

最後係戰士階段有兩點，第一你需要搵到你既君主。對於我，上帝當然就係我既君主啦！第二，你需要搵到你為咩而戰，例如家庭、第三世界既人、弱勢社群、一個信念、教育、政治等等。但係我仲未搵到，希望我會晌2009年內會搵到。願主指引我的前路。

生活有感

過左黎美國三個月，唔知點解好習慣呢到既生活，你話我可以晌到定居，我又唔覺得。美國俾我既感覺雖然係好寫意，但係同時間我又覺得人與人之間既關係好生疏，令到我覺得呢到唔會係我服侍神既地方。我應該會有好大機會返香港發展，但係將來既事邊個知。

講返我住既地方─Albuquerque。呢到高達海拔5000米，搞到我到而家個鼻都仲有血絲。另一方面又好似高原訓練咁，令到我體能大幅下降。好彩大學入面有健身室同室內運動場，可以成日做運動。除此之外，我每日都要6:30起身，行三十分鐘去巴士站，再搭30~45分鐘巴士先至返到學校，真係慘過返工呀！不過，我又好享受每日行個三十分鐘，一黎有時間俾我諗野，二係個段路有好靚既景，俾我感受造物主既偉大。

講下我上既堂CELAC，我竟然會係high-intermediate(高過我家姐一級haha......)，25/3就係中期測驗，不過而家每星期都要交一篇文，作文應該無咩問題，我係vocabulary差0的姐，再加把勁應該問題不大。

最後講下信仰方面，我最近先搵到祟拜返，如果唔係我都唔夠膽貿然寫blog。而我搵到祟拜，我深信都係神既安排。話說兩個星期前既星期四，我搭遲左一班車，當我搭第二班車既時候，我發現坐晌我隔離既哥哥仔睇緊聖經，遲疑左一陣，我就搭訕(我晌到學到既一樣野)，問佢係唔係睇緊聖經(廢話，開場白一句)，跟住打蛇隨棍上，問佢有唔係UNM既學生，同埋邊到有團契/崇拜返。就係咁樣俾我搵到崇拜返，我諗如果我唔係搭遲左一班車(仲要係目送個班車開走)，我都而家都未搵到崇拜返。